Why viewers should not read film reviews?

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The achievements of a generation become just the bare minimum expectations of the next – Daya Kudari

Will tell you in the end, as to why I quoted the above quote.

So, Sajid Khan’s Houseful 2 has had an enormous weekend. And there comes the same old debate as to what is exactly the role of film critics?

Note: Sajid Khan’s display of humour with the racist element and showcasing a midget in humorous scene is pathetic though. May Sajid Khan be splashed cod liver oil all over.

Let’s only talk about comedy movies as of now.

Some Questions:

What is humour?

Humour – The tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement.

Who will decide what is humorous?

Actually no one. It’s an individual’s perspective.

Note 2: It is a general notion that while watching comedy movies, viewers need to keep their brains at home.

And critics expect a humorous movie to have jokes which are out of this world. But do only out of this world jokes manage to create laughter?

Answer – A BIG NO

Think for a while and then tell me, how many times does a man laugh in the entire day?

An average man laughs quite a number of times.

Question: And how many of these jokes are out of this world?

Answer: Not even 10 %, still we laugh rite? And at times, we laugh like hell.

Also, families laugh on some of the most stupid jokes. If you don’t believe, attend marriages or parties and carefully analyse every laugher or what all happened that night.

Human beings just want to laugh, period.

Conclusion 1: No film can satisfy every critic. No film can even satisfy a majority of critics.  

Why: Because critics want everything in 100 rupees.

Common guys, a half a dozen laughs are worth more than the 100 rupee ticket.

Note 3: Talking about sudden things happening in bollywood movies, let me tell you, life is stranger than fiction. If everything happened to please the ‘practicality’ life wouldn’t remain life.

Example: Can you meet an office colleague (India based) in Bangkok? A friend of mine has had this happened in his life. Now what will you call it? And if this was shown in movies, critics would tear the scene anything.

Also, a bad thing about bollywood critics is that the thing they make fun of, in a bollywood film will be spared in Hollywood. Don’t we have the Rambos and American heroes save the world single-handedly? Then Why this, why this double standards jee?

Note 4: I do appreciate the knowledge, experience and there is always a need for better cinema for which the contribution of film critics is immense, but humour is humour, there is no class humour or third-class humour.

Note 5: If you analysis a movie, you don’t have time to enjoy it. It’s a small life, and if you are not able to stupid jokes, you might miss a lot of nice moments in life.

Last Note: The only critics that I believe in are Nikhat Kazmi and Taran Adarsh. Then don’t expect every movie to be out of this world, or expect every scene of a comedy movie to make even cynic laugh.

The problem of this world is that people try to understand life and live movies, which actually should be done the other way round – Daya Kudari

Hope both the start and end quotes make sense

Why Ranbir Kapoor shouldn’t marry and Shahid Kapoor should marry?

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The Kapoors, as fascinating as they may be, unfortunately are the most vulnerable people in the industry. Talking about the 2 kid kapoors, Ranbir and Shahid, they are one fascinating contradictory thing common. One should marry and one shouldn’t, though the former is trying his best to reinvent himself and stays away from women and the latter is enjoying bachelorhood like none. Ones problem is others’ solution.

Starting with Ranbir, he is at a critical stage of his career and would need a lot of EQ to stay afloat in the waves of expectations. Love, sex and marriage though appear all rosy rosy, but these do impact your emotions like no other. For commoners, life as a celebrity is a plunge in honey but ask those celebrities about the stress of being judged, caught and blamed and you will understand the pressures.  

What Ranbir needs to do?

Thumb rule for success – no link ups. Like in the porn industry, those who are in porn for money would make money and fame but those who are in porn for fun normally end up in depression. Same way, more the link ups for Ranbir Kapoor more would be his publicity but then he will be judged more. It will be extremely difficult for him to handle failure. Life is cruel they say.

Do more Rockstar type movies or to put it in the other way – stick with Imtiaz Ali. Though Ranbir looks nice as a chocolate boy, the phase in Bollywood is such that chocolate boys aren’t considered lambe race ka ghoda (horses for the long run).

Points to remember – Movies where Ranbir gets to act innocent and still the lady falls for him might not work much. And if they work, these won’t go much for him.

He should work with voice coaches. His voice isn’t something to be talked about. He needs to learn how to modify his voice with respect to his roles.

A man sees the bright side of another and aspires to replicate, clearly avoiding the darker side and eventually becoming the opposite. He should change his idols from SRK, Salman and Indian Cricketers to Amir Khan, Hritik Roshan and Ajay Devgan. It would work wonders for him.

Lastly, I would like to congratulate him for attempting movies like Rockstar. All the best buddy!!

Now coming to Shahid, he should just do the opposite… i.e. go for a permanent girlfriend, preferably someone who isn’t from the fraternity, continue rom-coms – it would really do wonders for him, but he should make a rule – read scripts and do a movie only if there is something different in it. Ditto for other points and he has a major chance of being the next Shah Rukh Khan.

 

All the best to Shahid Kapoor as well.

Why Saif and Kareena should not Marry?

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Marriage it is said to be a process of trying to immortalise temporary spurts of happiness, so true in the movie-kingdom, where people are not at the mercy of social pressures. Why marriage? Because, I heard some time ago (October 2011) that Kareena Kapoor would be marrying Saif Ali Khan.

Both fine actors and interesting human beings, but what I believe is that they would commit hara-kiri if they take the marital plunge. Marrying one of the most beautiful actresses would be a nice male ego boost for Saif, but the chances of the marriage succeeding are as less as there are tigers in India. If Kareena decides to quit movies, then the marriage would definitely succeed, but considering the ambitious lady, this seems a far cry.

The problem would be ego, more than Kareena’s it would be Saif’s ego. Though a distinguished gentleman, I am really not sure if Saif is mature enough to handle an ambitious wife who wouldn’t hesitate to do intimate scenes with other co-stars. You tell me, how many actresses continue to work in movies when the man they have married is an actor? Though they may appear liberal, but Bollywood men are as chauvinistic as any other Asian man.

It appears that Bollywood heroes make a deal with their wives that includes – quit acting to settle as a homemaker. These wives can do anything from designing, event management etc. but not acting. Not many actors have the guts to except a wife who dares to be equal to their spouses. This reminds me of something my father once said – the prospect of happiness has eluded many people from achieving greatness. So true!!

Note: Abhishek Bachchan cannot be considered as I am talking about successful male actors here.

No doubt, Saif and Kareena are truly gems and are as loyal as Heer-Ranjha, but believe me life is cruel, very cruel. I wish them all the very best, and hope that what I believe should come wrong. Apologies to my brother Abhishek Bachchan as well.

Bollywood Wala

‘I don’t understand movies; I eat them’

Why Did Hritik’s Agneepath Broke All Records and Amitabh’s Agneepath Fail?

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I was witness to a lot of discussion about why the new Agneepath movie got such a monstrous opening but collected only only 24 crores in the 2nd week.

The opening week record was mostly because of the cyber world buzz which started the moment it was confirmed that it had broken Dabangg’s opening day collection. And with such a positive cyber buzz, it is obvious that people were keen to catch the movie. So the question which still remains is why did it earn around 26 crores on the opening day itself?

Katrina’s sleazy item number, Sanjay Dutt’s classy negative shades and what not, but the real question doesn’t get answered. If you add 2 Katrinas sleazy item songs in a movie or even a bulkier Sanjay Dutt or say replace Rishi Kapoor with Amitabh Bachchan, can anyone guarantee of such a opening of 92 crore rupees? No, absolutely not.

I pondered a lot about why, why and why. And the most sensible answer to the Agneepath opening is also the most stupid one. My reasoning is – it is the same reasons why Hritik’s Guzarish flopped miserably.

No doubt, no one expected Guzarish to be a rockstar hit, but considering the trailers, the director, the songs and the starcast, the multiplex audience could have patronized it better, right? Remember, 35 % of all collections of a Bollywood movie come via the Mumbai territory where such movies can expect a decent bargain, like say, Tare Zameen Par. But it didn’t happen.

Why Agneepath’s Success wasn’t because of Katrina, Kancha Cheena, Rishi Kapoor and Company?

About Katrina’s chikni chameli song, it was good, in fact more sleazy than many of her contemporaries’ attempts, but, gone are the days when people come to a theatre to see a song. And it’s just not about Sanjay Dutt; he’s gone past his prime and he is just a character artist now, just above the Jackie Shroffs and Sunil Shettys. Rishi Kapoor is not star, his son may be. Also, it’s not about Hritik because even he would admit that he does have saleability but not like any of the Khans.

To put Hritik Roshan starrer Agneepath’s success, I have a small story to share. Long ago, when I interacted with a film critic he told me something which I would never forget – there is no formula to success which would work in all seasons.  Common guys, considering the disciplined and right directioned hardwork that Hritik puts in, he was long due for a big hit.

But why did Amitabh Bachchan’s Agneepath failed at the box office? My reasoning is simple – the movie was outdated in terms of the time of release. Released in 1990, the Mukul S. Anand movie released at the wrong time, when Amitabh  was going through a tough phase, as he was not the angry young man and nor the classy white bearded old man which he is now. Also, the Anil Kapoors, Sunny Deols and Sanjay Dutts were creeping the Bollywood space like anything. Had Bachchan’s Agneepath realeased some time in 1985, it would have become a super duper hit.

I may be wrong, I may be right…

Bollywood Wala

‘I don’t understand films, I eat them’

Salman Bohemian Khan

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One thing about Abdul Rashid Salim Salman Khan aka Salman Khan is that irrespective of what he does, he makes for an interesting story. Like most number 9s (born on 27th December 1969), his life is governed by the notion – more the complications in your love life, more is the success.  He was a nice actor prior to ‘Hello Brother’ but I have to accept that he has seen the time of his life post that crap movie.

Hello Brother was Salman’s turning point in terms of capacity, wherein he is now like VVS Laxman. Steve Waugh said, ‘one moment VVS bats like Don Bradman and the next moment he bats like Glenn McGrath. Same way, Salman deserves respect via movies like Tere Naam and Kyunki and the very next moment he can irritate us like he did in Ready and Bodyguard. The baseline is – Salman and comedy are antonyms. Common yaar, comedy is when we laugh on the joke, and not on the man, right?

What makes Salman special is also what makes him disrespectful. He is damn unapologetic. Now, this makes him a fearsome competitor on and off the screen, but fear and respect are 2 different things. One thing I will have to agree is that the man has a very big heart, but when you are unapologetic people take your big-heartedness as self obsession (as in, say good things about me and I will give you anything). Unapologetic people are seen as arrogant as well.

He is to Bollywood what Rajnikant is to Tollywood, but both the industries define stardom differently which makes both of them quite similarly dissimilar. The Southern film industry adores superstars who don’t carry their stardom off the screen, so humble actors are more admired there, while Bollywood likes its stars to carry their stardom off the screen. Apart from Bachchan Saab, there aren’t any modest superstars. And those who were modest in Bollywood weren’t stars in the first place.

Sample this; both carry modesty and simplicity via their characters in most of their films, but Salman and Rajnikant defer a lot. While the latter carries his modesty off the screen, but the former isn’t able to. Comparing simplicity, the less said is better. One has killed some pavement dwellers via his car driving skills, killed chinkaras, troubled Aishwarya, threatened Vivek Oberoi and clashed with many co-stars while the other is as humble as one can ever get. That’s the principle reason, why Salman Khan can never fully match Rajnikanth. One more thing is common between them, both make horrible movies. Now I define a movie as Pyaasa, Nayagan, Guzarish etc. and what these 2 superstars make are nothing but a skit played to the gallery.

I personally like Salman because I feel he is one actor who have never shown his horniness(is that is a word) on and off screen and he genuinely wants to fall in love. But like many successful number 9s, of all the desired ladies in the world, he would only pick up those who wouldn’t want to marry him. Thats destiny, and I believe if Sallu manages to marry the woman he genuinely loves, his super stardom won’t last. I am talking from the spiritual point of view, so I don’t have many things to support my statement on Salman’s love life.

Post the Salman bashing, some positives about the mass hero. He genuinely respects elders and women. Man, this is one thing you cannot fake. He has supported many people when in trouble and donated a lot in charity.

What Salman should do:

1)       Make a home production and have some good directors make films for him. The phase which he is going through is similar 1993 to 1996’s Govinda where he was the hero of the movie, heroine of the movie and what not. But look what has happened to Govinda. People don’t remember actors, they remember movies and songs to some extent. Salman should remember that his timepass movies would be shown on Zee Cinema in 2018, and that generation would find it difficult to digest that movies like Bodyguard and Ready are some of the highest grosser of Bollywood. An industry is respected via what films go on to become hits.

2)      He should marry. A loyal man, married off course gets a lot of respect. And this would calm Salman in the sense that apologizing post wronging someone is greatness.

3)      He should keep his charity under the wraps. Common yaar, you don’t organize a fashion show to show that you are doing charity. The thumb rule – never get clicked during charity. Anonymous charity without cameras is the best charity.

4)      He should stop wear boot-cut trousers….that is old fashion dude. Salman is handsome and slim fits would look cool the mass entertainer.

5)      Lastly, Salman should continue coordinating with directors in choosing songs, music and picturization etc. He is doing great and a little gratefulness here and there would take him in the league of Bachchan saab.

Nothing against the actor, just an honest opinion. Chalo, I will sign off now.
Bollywood Baba
‘I don’t understand movies; I eat them.’